Monday, October 29, 2007

Ten years ago today

There's very little difference between a 16 year old Tessa and a 26 year old Tessa. One of them uses a hair dryer because failure to do so results in wet hair till evening. The other uses a hair dryer because she hasn't been able to break that habit, and doing so results in crazy sticky-uppy hair till evening.

The older Tessa has learned a lot since being the younger Tessa, but she hasn't learned how to change.

Here's to secrets you didn't know you kept until you couldn't say them out loud.

EDITED TO ADD: Thanks for the happy happys, but IT IS NOT MY BIRTHDAY. This post is about something that happened that I should probably be over by now, but apparently I'm not. There aren't any happy happys here.

However, if you want to keep going with the birthday thing, chocolate cake is prefered.

EDITED TO ADD SUMOR: See, this post wasn't even supposed to be this post. It was supposed to be another post that is still sitting in my drafts folder, which was much more thought-provoking and made a hell of a lot more sense. Really, it was going to change your world. I thought it was just something that didn't come up in polite conversation, or impolite conversation for that matter. Yet when I went to publish it, I couldn't. Turned out it was a secret.

Which isn't what I want it to be, but oh well.

EDITED TO ADD EVEN MOAR: I've been pondering this birthday that isn't my birthday (being as I'm at work, and thus have plenty of processor space to ponder such things), and I think you guys were onto a good thing. Unexpected birthday wishes are alarming at first, and then kinda warm and fluffy, like getting extra. So here's what I think; everyone should be allowed one day a year to declare birthdayness when there is no birthday, for the sole purpose of reclaiming an otherwise unwonderful date. Does that sound fabulous? I think it sounds fabulous. And since today is my not-birthday, then it is only fitting that I order indian for dinner, and not eat the leftover pasta that has defrosted and been sitting in the fridge for four days, which has nothing to do with my declaring this so. Nothing at all. I swear.

EDITED FOR CULINARY OBSERVATIONS: That chicken tikka misala was the best damn chicken tikka misala in the world. NOMMY. The chook was charcoal grilled, and had a delicate smokey flavour that went wonderfully with the coriander. The appearance of the best damn chicken tikkam misala in the world indicates that I'm right about all this not-birthdayness. There's even enough for dinner tomorrow. Most excellent!

EDITED FOR FURTHER PROOF OF FORESIGHTEDNESS: 'course, you can't have a not-birthday without birthday drinks. Good thing I bought a new bottle of Baileys on the way in. Premonition of alcohol required! Vexedness of lack of durnkness the previous night entirely irrelevent! Of course, I won't be able to touch it till I get home, and that won't be till after midnight, when it will no longer be my not-birthday, but you know what Winston Churchill said about never surrendering.

EDITED FOR SECOND THOUGHTS: The Baileys might not be such a good idea. If the bogans see me sitting on the train with a bottle of booze, they'll mug me. Maybe some creative shuffling will fit it in my bag...

EDITED FOR REASSURANCE: Bogans did not mug me. This not birthday is not over. More shinanigans in the morning.

EDITED FOR CLOSURE: It was only after I'd started on an enormous glass of Baileys, and thus disqualified myself from late night driving, that I realised I had no birthday cake. Calamity! Not that there are any 24-hour supermarkets in this area. I made do with what was to be had: lamingtons.

We didn't have any birthday candles either, so I made do with what was to be had: a box of lantern candles from Malaysia that aren't supposed to drip wax and have been in the kitchen drawer for longer than I can remember.

And then I got a bit carried away with the candles. In my mind, I was constructing a Lamington Fortress.

And then I set it on fire.

Apparently, lantern candles don't drip only if they stand vertically.

And if you stick them in on top of each other, the heat combines and then melt super fast, and thus the Flaming Lamington Fortress was in danger of burning down in a blaze of glory. I huffed, and I puffed, and I saved the Flaming Lamington Fortress.

What does that make me? Big goddamn hero.

Birthday cakes, whether or not it be your not-birthday, whether or not they be Flaming Lamington Fortresses, aren't supposed to be eaten alone. Unfortunately the house had gone to bed hours ago, so I gave in and shared it with Sam, who had been watching the whole mess with the intense focus of a Dog Who Has Maybe Noticed Food And Is Being A Very Good Boy. He was quite pleased to take part in the Flaming Lamington Fortress, and afterwards did this;

Can't argue with that.

Properly inebriated and caked, I spent the small hours watching bad movies, and failed to become maudlin, and didn't brood even once. That right there is an enormous and out-of-character accomplishment.

Now that this post has stretched over 24 hours, I think it's time to let it rest. Thank you, the three gentlemen who wished me happy birthday, and spawned it all.

I consider this not-birthday a raging success. Same time next year?


  1. Is it your birthday, then? If so, happy happy. If not... well, happy happy anyway.

  2. Hehe, no birthday, not till June. Otherwise, there'd be less cryptic and more cake.

  3. here's to blog posts that start out innocently enough and then become more and more intriguing.

  4. they ain't gonna mug you for baileys. jim beam, maybe...

  5. The biggest thing I've learned about becoming an adult(and I'm about to turn 35, so does that count?) is that you don't actually ever "grow up." I'm more patient, a little wiser and my priorities have have changed a bit, but I'm still into the same stuff that I was twenty years ago (cool books, sea creatures, monster movies, weird music), and am still pretty much "me." I always thought that at some point I'd become something else - some adolescent ideal of boring "adulthood," but so far, nothing of the sort has happened. Then again, maybe the me of twenty years ago would look at me now and smirk - kids are like that.

  6. I'm not that concerned about growing up; neither of my parents did, so I fail to see why I should have to. But change would be good. I passed my use by date years ago.

  7. You crack me up, Tessa. You should celebrate your birthday every week.


  8. Maybe if the lamingtons had jam in them. I don't know who these people are, making lamingtons without jam. It's a travesty, I say, travesty.

  9. *hug*
    Nothing else to add

  10. Anonymous2/11/07 06:54

    Hahahaha. Oh man.
    Big goddamn hero, indeed

  11. Anonymous6/11/07 13:16

    I really like this not-birthday thing. I think I might be due for one pretty soon. It looked fabulous; I'm truly jealous.

    What are the rules? Do I just wait for a day when I really really need it, then declare it? Must I choose a date?

    I just want cake.

  12. non-birthdays are for reclaiming dates, not bad days. Bad days are reclaimed by sulking.

  13. listen, lamingtons, true lamingtons, aren't supposed to have jam, jam is a disgusting flavour that just drowns out the delicate balance between chocolate and coconut. If you like jam so much, have a bloody jam sandwich, just don't put it in your lamington!

  14. I shall put jam in my lamingtons if I jolly well want to, just as I shall put pineapple on my pizza! HUZZAH!