Scams, Scrams and Heavy Sighs

Having done my time as a house elf, and done it well, I have left the bonny Highlands and now find myself in Glasgow, and the contrast is shocking. The noise, the movement, the intensity of life...

So I begin the great hunt for that rare prey known as 'employment'. A more demoralising quarry there is not, although I have had a little luck with freelance editing, more on that later. Most of my days have been spent trolling various employment sites, including Gumtree, at which I responded to an ad for article writers.

I received the following a few minutes ago:

From: Jack Kenton
Subject: Writing Work Ad
Date: 17 August 2012 1:39:03 PM GMT+01:00
To: -

Hi,

Thanks for replying to my ad for writing work. We provide reviews of film and TV shows to various websites to build up the content available on their sites and we're currently looking for more reviewers to join our team. For this position you will require a broadband Internet connection to watch movies as you will need to stream most of the films you watch over the Internet.

The reviews you will be writing will appear on blogs and websites and you will be credited as author. You should have good written english skills but it doesn't matter whether you use Americanised or British spellings of words (either "color" or "colour" would be fine, "movie" and "film" are both acceptable, etc.).

You will be emailed a list of about 100 potential assignments each week, with each specifying the film and if it is a 250 or 100 word review. You then choose which ones you think you can manage for that week, let us know which you've chosen and then hand them in to the specified deadline. If you find you want to do more than you originally thought you can always request to do more. Pay is £7.50 for a hundred word review and £20 for a 250 word review. You don't have to be exactly dead on the word target but are expected to be under by at most 10 words. You can go over by as many words as you wish. You'll find that the reviews don't take long at all to write and more of your time is generally taken up with actually watching the films themselves.

We will also pay you an allowance for a lovefilm account each month so you do not have to pay for the films you watch. You'll be paid this allowance via bank transfer at the start of each month in advance of having to pay for your month's subscription and your review earnings will be paid the monday after the review is received, if it is received on or before the friday. If you already have a lovefilm account we will not be able to pay an allowance.

Lovefilm give a free trial for your first 30 days so we will only pay your allowance from the 2nd month. You can choose either one of the following subscription options: "Instant" (£4.99 after the trial period ends) or "Have It All" (£9.99 a month after the trial period). We also need to track your signup so you will need to signup through the following tracking link: http://tinyurl.com/-------

We've had quite a few responses and we have quite limited positions so if you'd like to give it a go then please write a 100 word trial review of a film of your choice from the top ten in the "lovefilm favourites" category within your account. You should be able to access this within seconds of creating a trial account. You should save the review in a file and attach it to an email replying to this one. Please note that you won't be paid for this tester review. To simulate a real-life deadline you should email this through to me by 5pm on Sunday. If you can get it to me earlier than that then the earlier the better. Also, include a phone number I will be able to get hold of you on in your email and I will give you a call after Sunday to go through everything with you and to answer any questions you have.

I've attached some example reviews to this email so you can see the type of thing that other people have done and what we're looking for.

Thanks,

Jack

--------------------------------------------------------------------

This e-mail was sent by JC Communications, located at 780 - 790 Finchley Road, London, England NW11 7TJ (United Kingdom). To receive no further e-mails, please click here.

1. Googled "JC Communications" and there are far too many companies using this name.
2. Googled 780-790 Finchley Road, London and there are a surprising number of businesses listed against this address, none of them linked to "JC Communications" or Jack Kenton.
3. Jangomail is a free webmail service.
4. No information on specific sites where these reviews will be posted is given.
5. Tinyurl used for the tracker.
6. The 'samples' provided were...well...Fuck's sake, seriously.

Batman Forever

Wow. Just wow. And I thought Batman Begins was excellent. This... this piece of art... its PHENOMENAL!! From the scale, to the acting, the atmosphere, the music, the action, it's all art. I have not experienced this level of greatness in the cinema for a long time. This film is the darkest Batman, as well as one of the darkest, violent and gripping films, ever made.

In short, it's a masterpiece. One that will knock you out of your seat. It is the best Batman film ever, the best superhero film ever and the best film of 2008. Do yourselves a favour and see this piece of art. Repeated viewings highly recommended.


Frailty

Frailty is the story of a closely knit single-parent family that becomes divided when Dad wakes up his sons to tell them he's had a vision. In it, an angel has explained to him that he is a Demon-slayer; and given him a list of names with which to begin God's Work.

The youngest child is immediately overawed by his dad's new special purpose, and toddles off to help him out; the elder of the children is at first unsure, and then scared when he sees just how literally Dad is taking his vision; and then horrified when he finds himself expected to help.

The main problem for him is what - if anything - can he do about it? Thus begins the desperate test of a young boy in alerting the authorities to Dad's behaviour in the face of the ironic question regarding who might believe his story, over the respected word of his once community-friendly father.

Frailty is an excellent film that boasts an interestingly twisted plot, building up from an average film into a disturbing and interesting film, to one which catches you by completely by surprise at least twice right towards the end.

The acting is also good, notably so from the two boys playing the sons. I was very pleasantly surprised by this film and would recommend it.

Nobody pays for shit like that. Nobody. Especially not £7.50 for 100 words, that's fucking ridiculous. A dream, sure, and not how the world works. Also, those are shit. I mean, I know as a writerly type person I have unforgiving standards when it comes to any sort of written word, but there is no denying the shit and weak bollocks those 'reviews' are.

Initially I thought it was a scam to get people to sign up to lovefilm, but instead of being insidious marketing it's just some lamprey stealing bank account details. He advertises this writing job and bar work as well, confirmed by third party sources here;



-here;



- and here;



So hey, hopers, dreamers and hunters in the UK, don't give Jack Kenton your bank account details, okay?

Western Tibet

THAT SAID:

If you intend to travel to western Tibet and particularly Mount Kailash and Lake Manasarova any time in the next couple of months, you should know that the road (there's only one) is fucked.

It's undergoing some serious roadworks. They're so serious it doesn't look like roadworks at all. It looks like they're building the damn thing for the first time. There is no sealed road from Saga onwards, and if you hit a stretch that has had the rocks cleared you'll start cheering. Some stretches have been leveled, but they're rare treats. They appear to be putting in drains or something similar, which involves digging up the road every couple of kilometres and around which you must detour. You will be catapulted from your seat, you will hit your head, you will get very tired and grumpy, and you will not go far fast. If you have boobs, you will need to get some seriously hardcore sports bras.

Our itinerary was originally to drive from Sakya to Saga, and then Saga to Darchen where we would start our three day kora around Kailash. We got word from a group going before us that the 9 hour drive between Saga and Darchen was actually 16, with them starting the trek the next day. We had to do a lot more time in the 4WDs to stay on timetable (one plan that was thankfully jettisoned involved leaving at 3 in the morning) and not screw ourselves over.

I recommend an mp3 player with some sort of travel battery, and a light long-sleeved top. The air up on the plateau is icy, but the sun is incredibly enthusiastic, and when you're out of the wind it is hot. You won't often be able to put the windows down due to dust. After a particularly long period of time going through roadworks up a mountain pass, we pinged the temperature inside the 4WD at 36.7C degrees. Then we stopped, opened all the doors and the temperature dropped 20 degrees.

These are long days, by the end of which you will be in a bad mood. Suck it up. There is no other way to get out there, and it is worth it.

Y HALLO THAR

• Aerolineas Argentinas sucks so badly I won't allow them the privilege of sucking my non-existent balls.
• I'm rostered to work at 7am tomorrow (and have already marked myself off as sick).
• Tomorrow also contains an 8 hour power outage for my street.
• Ahhh, tea.
  

Please Hold [Your Call Is Important To Us]

There. All books read written about. 42 books read this year (and 5 manuscripts critiqued, 0 novels finished). I wasn't sure I'd get them finished in time. Definitely ran out of oomf at the end there. Too much analysing in too short a time. Or, I'm just tired and stupid.

Tomorrow morning I fly out without laptop or phone. I'll probably remain off the grid till I'm home again in late January, as the majority of time I'll be camping. If you have stalkerly-inclinations, you can track my approximate whereabouts following the itinerary here. If you're not quite that intense about your stalking, then just know I'm in Patagonia.

(It's amusing how many people have no idea where that is.)

Last Thursday I finished work. When it occurred to me I wouldn't be back in the office for more than a month I started to cry. The last couple of months have been a slow drowning. I'm understating that, because I've spent a considerable amount of energy not thinking of my circumstances, keeping myself distracted and the rug pulled over my eyes. Even though I can't see it, I can still feel the water rising.

There is no way out.

And-

I need to breathe.

Tomorrow I fly out, and then I will be able to stop worrying about money as everything has already been paid for. I won't have to organise anything or anyone, as that's someone else's job. I won't be carrying the weight of all the friends I'm neglecting, because I won't be in a position to do anything for them. I won't have to hold myself together, because I won't be me. I won't be afraid for my life, because I won't be in it.

I won't be unable to write, because I will not be writing.

For the record: the balance remains in favour of the year. Despite the plunge I've taken recently, 2009 has been the best year of my life. Everything that did happen, everything that didn't happen, all I've learned and gained and lost, it was worth it. It needs to be said.

As for you kids, I hope the new year treats you kindly (and you greet it with hijinx and tomfoolery). Keep on keeping on.



<3
Sir Tessa

When in doubt, flee the country.

Bags are packed, Tim Tams purchased, and I know where my passport is. I would take my heart to San Francisco, in order to leave it there, but I can't find it. Clearly, I did not keep it in a safe place, like my passport.

For those I am going to be seeing for the first time in years, or in fact for the first time at all, here is a true-to-life-taken-right-this-second depiction of the front of my face:



So now you have no excuse not to recognise me (and are free to flee on sight, I'm considerate like that).

The rest of you, keep the internet warm while I'm out.

Now, tally ho! What!

Look Ma! No Hands!

The change in work style and the fact that I have been working for seven days in a row means my hands hurt. The sort of hurt that has me frightened all the way through, which can't entirely be blamed on nightshift psychosis.

As a result, I will not be replying to any non-essential email for the meanwhile. Probably won't do much reading or commenting either.

For Those It May Concern

Recap: September last year, I went off the pill. I'd been on it for 10 years.

Current Status: I have just started my third period since then. That's averaging one ovulation cycle every three months. Which, to be honest, I'm not complaining about, but it is something to keep in mind if you're in the same situation and planning on making babies right away.

Possibly Unrelated, Probably Not: Insomnia dropped in for a visit Sunday night. I was still awake when my alarm went off, and spent most of the day quite deliriously cheerful. Lack of sleep, probably combined with the usual hormonal skirmish, sent me home with a screaming migraine. I slept till late evening, shuffled about in an unattractive fashion, then went back to sleep for a further thirteen hours.

Probably a good thing I did not plan on discovering cold fusion today.

For The Record

My name is Tessa.

Not Teresa, Terese, Theresa, Therese, Contessa or any variation thereof. Any attempt made by you to use these names when addressing me will not make you professional, formal, or strip out what I'm guessing you perceive as a casual nickname with connotations of familiarity. You will not be exercising any sort of control over our interaction. You will just be wrong.

Exit, Stage Right: Le Red Fin

You thought I'd forgotten, hadn't you?

Shark Puppet is a temporary stand in - I'm waiting on Metropolis to get more puppets in. This post is also a temporary stand in - instead of heat keeping me quiet, writing is keeping me quiet. I have to make the most of my ability to turn a computer on before the next heat wave strikes. Between teeth and my bone marrow melting, I'm behind on everything.

(Just between you and me, I'm glad Le Red Fin is gone. He was a touch irritating. Not that Shark Puppet makes for good company.)

radio silence

The current communications blackout is due to the 100 year heatwave currently kicking Australia's posterior. Computers are a source of heat in this unairconditioned, wooden, tin-roofed and poorly insulated house, and therefore not to be toyed with. I'm also refraining from turning Eddie on due to the not unfounded fear of giving him heat damage.

It is 4:51am, and the BOM site indicates a current temperature of 24 degrees, which is a LOT cooler than expected, and if tomorrow ONLY reaches 38 we shall be well pleased.

Until the heat buggers off or I return to work, silence shall continue.

ETA: Wait, I read the wrong district for the BOM. Forecast maximum temperature for tomorrow is 43.








Peas and rice just shoot me now. I'm not cut out for a hot desert Mad Max post-apocalypse.

Socket

Getting my teeth pulled tomorrow. I imagine it will be not at all like this.

May try to blog coming off the drugs, just for the hell of it. Or, may be out of commission for a while.



Never you fear, sweet readers, Le Red Fin will take care of you. I will not allow her to indulge in asshattery whilst medicated. I stake my honor upon it, much as I would enjoy seeing her make an asshat out of herself, but oh, it is a shallow joy, since it comes so naturally to her...

Advice To Writers

If you're going to scribble comments in the margin of your manuscript, make an effort to be legible. I'm sure whatever I've written here is a stroke of pure raw undiluted genius, but I can't read my own handwriting.

6 is less than 7

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