Monday, November 07, 2011

Guys: A Reminder That 'No' Means 'No'.

I definitely should not be writing this when I'm well exhausted and thus my crankitude rating is not at optimal levels for Not Making Offensive Generalisations. But I'm going to because fukkit.

If you're in the company of someone you don't know, and you're attracted to this person, you're probably going to try and make that known to them. Yes? Well, some of you are very shy, so maybe not, but for those of you that do-

Bear in mind that liking someone does not mean they owe you shit.

If you take a chance, bear in mind that you may be rebuffed.

If you are rebuffed, bear in mind that hey, it isn't necessarily personal, they may simply not be that into you.

If you have done all this and the outcome has been delivered, well done. You have courage and take risks with yourself. Probably not the outcome you were after, but what the hey, you tried.

If you do all this, the other person has pointedly said no and that this makes them uncomfortable and you then continue to exhibit this behaviour you are now being a jerk.

The boundaries have been drawn. If you don't then respect them, you are being a sleaze, and yes, that is sexual harassment.

That first rebuff? It's reasonable you get that for free. When people don't know each other, you don't know where the lines are until you test them. When you know where they are, there are no excuses. You're being pushy.

And that second rebuff? That isn't free. That is when I start actively disliking you.

Arguing about it won't help your case.

This applies to men and women, hetero and homo, and I have been guilty of it myself, albeit my experience has only ever been with straight guys who don't understand that I don't owe them shit.

Expectations are your death knell.


You can be attracted to someone as much as you like, but they will never owe you shit.

(This certainly isn't as articulate as I'd like, but I think you get the gist.)


  1. Anonymous7/11/11 05:22

    Nobody should be put in the position of having to rebuff more than once... least of all someone like your generous self. Your company is precious enough, and i think people should be grateful enough for that than expect what they aren't owed.

  2. Anonymous7/11/11 07:56

    Perfectly expressed, Tessa.

  3. Would you prefer the New York or the North Carolina method of handling juvenile assholes who can't accept rejection? He'll be defecating his own teeth either way.

  4. Thank you, Anonymous. I don't know that my company is precious, but I sure as hell don't feel a need to put up with what I don't like.

    Unfortunately, while I am getting better at making my "I don't like this" known, I'm still not good enough. I let it go on too long before saying "I'm going to be straight with you-"

    (Although I think the leaning away violently when moving in for a kiss, snatching my hand back, etc, would have been hint enough.)

    Thanks Ben.

    Jaime, my dear amazon warrior. I gave him the Melbourne way - far too polite. :p

  5. What can I say - there are some real jerks out there.

  6. I was there and you were perfectly clear about your feelings.

  7. Cheers, Alisa. This post was prompted by an unconnected incident in New York, still applies though.