Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Years from now, they'll ask how it all started...

I sent this picture to Matt for his birthday. 'cause I'm a nice friendly person like that.

That Vanderdude saw that (admittedly crappy) drawing of a penguin, and left this comment.

So I sent him this picture,


He returned fire,

(I don't care what he says, that's chest hair on that penguin.)


I would like to invite everyone with a spare minute and a pen to please draw angry penguins and put them online. Feel free to sent them to me if you don't have a web page, and I'll put them up here. I want a damn penguin army. With war paint.

'cause I'm a nice friendly person like that.

ETA: The first recruit! Aanimal found this furious little bird and pressganged it into service. Dun look too happy. Peck your toes off.

ETA: Jaime discovered the penguin army's super sekrit covert ops squad. This penguin did the stunt work for Tom Cruise. This penguin is totally about to mess with your porn stash.

ETA: Matt found a serious freakin' giant gladiator viking warrior can of penguin WHUP ASS. And notes "the penguin does not need thumbs to wield its morning star....It has been beneficially mutated by global warming."

ETA: Jeff found a penguin with less chest hair, and a hell of a lot more teeth. And what looks like halitosis. Very useful trait in close-quarters combat, that. Except when fighting walrus. I understand walrus are pretty rank.

And hooooly crap. Matt also found the penguin who washed out of basic.

ETA: I do believe Matt is trying to kill me, because I just burst something else on sight of this. There'll be a feature film CARNO PENGUIN VS SHARK PENGUIN, featuring Godzilla as commentator!

ETA: Selena brought this guy in shackles and a hockey mask. She wrestled him, one on one, and survived.

Actually, I lie. Killing one of your next of kin is a necessary induction into the penguin army, and Selena is a canny report who unveiled this terrible fact to the innocent public. Oh, the horror, the horror!

ETA: Nadine is a very practical, sensible, foresighted woman. Very practical. Very sensible. Very foresighted. And knows exactly how to make Sir Tessa swoon.

Ren found the penguin to lead the charge, fire the first shot, etc.

And was also thinking along the same lines as Nadine. I suspect I'm going to have to start considering things like logistics, supply lines, and how to keep a million penguins from getting bored and pillaging the world.

ETA: Malatroit found a penguin bowling skittle, and I do believe it's main offensive capability is completely disarming the enemy by being overwhelmingly adorable.

Joyelle pointed out the existence of a mutant penguin soldier army, with this most disturbing evidence.

Cynarion found INIGO MONTOYA PENGUIN. FOR SRS. I'm pretty sure that makes him invincible. And popular wth the ladies.

And Gillian pleaded lack of drawing skills and sent thought-penguins. Thought-penguins are somewhat alarming to ponder. I hope you're alarmed.

I should state, for the record, that stating lack of drawing skills will not be considered a valid reason for bugging out. You have MS Paint. You have the intrawebs. Unleash your inner angry penguin!

ETA: I have contracted out the organisation and distribution of supplies to Arthur Miller.

No, really.

Sir Tessa,
It has come to the attention of the unctuous obnoxious salesperson (who has never sold used cars) that you having issues supplying an army of penguins. While this difficulty is somewhat unique the OU Salesperson has, as ever, a solution at hand. Be advised that our despised company can lease you a division of crack penguin krill suppliers (see attached jpeg). While they may not look it these birds are tough - their training is so rigorous that they can listen to Crazy Frog up to 23.67 times before breaking down.

As to your problem of keeping them occupied - The OU Salesperson suggests devising increasingly elaborate and nonsensical war games. That is, after all what we do with our staff.

The OU Salesperson thanks you for your kind consideration of its offer and is hoping to do as little business as possible with you (however it is not so cruel as to wish a hard drive implosion on you).

About your personal salesperson: Arthur Miller (1915-2005, 2006-) was a respected playwright who would like to think that he is most famous for his play Death of a Salesman. He is actually better known for being married to Marilyn Monroe. He was resurrected by the OU Salesperson in 2006 and has since been paying off the enormous costs involved by indenture to said company. He has since attempted to sell things to a large number of people without so much as a response. He got a woefully inadequate reply from tupou gangster but at least it wasn't a drive-by shooting.

He will pay a bounty to anyone who can explain the term mechcarmen.

About the OU Salesperson: While not selling used cars founder J. Edgar Hoover (1895-1972) noticed that putting the emphasis on customer relations was getting him nowhere - at the same speed as the cars he was not selling. He decided to take a leaf out of the insurance salesman's handbook and became an irritating, conniving bastard. After a successful career in the FBI selling improbable ideas like the domino theory he returned to his first love and created the OU Salesperson.

Magpie located the R&D - Mad Scientist Division of the angry penguin army in Austria. They were looking for a suitable ruined and ominous castle to set up their lab in, for the appropriate atmosphere.

She had to send a crack squad of penguins to invade Austria to bring them back. Austria had NO IDEA what hit them.

Kenn Perkins recruited my moral officer. That's Commissar to you. Smile like you mean it, dirtbag!

ETA: Xavie recruited an utter BRUISER of a penguin. Look at that beak! That's a beak that has been in so many drunken brawls, it can't peck properly. Also, being all corkscrewy like that, it'll do more damage going in. The Fu Is Strong In This One.

Timblynod recruited a top notch killer to do all the angry penguin army's wetwork. And, quite frankly, I do not sleep well at night knowing I'm his boss. Eeek.

Magpie discovered yet more Austrian penguins. In the newspaper. (I suspect these are members of the crack squad I sent who went AWOL. They shall be reappropriated shortly.)

Chris Billett yoinked from his friend Edward Monkton this fine, fine example of a penguin soldier. 412. Exactly.

ETA: No recruits today (the recruitment office took a day for stress leave).

Gillian pointed out an angry penguin literary movement. Australian, no less.

From JKS via Jeff a...something. Actually, I have no idea what it is, as the network here has blocked it as exceeding the weighted phrase limit (the bane of my life), but I'm sure it's interesting, enlightening, and highly relevent to your life.

ETA: StrangeShe had to hire all sorts of tanks and helicopters to bring us this recruit, as she is pretty damn amazingly spectacularly astoundingly OARSUM, and every angry penguin army needs a giant glowing mutant penguin.

Scientists believed the giant 5-foot tall Peruvian -Icadyptes salasi- penguin was extinct ( What they didn't know is that it was busy in its underground lab conducting experiments into top-secret weapons development for the angry penguin military. Caught in the blast of a gamma bomb, the -Icadyptes salasi- was transformed into the angry specimen you see here.

The other penguins had to resort to more traditional methods...

Libra has supplied us with some nasty munitions. Oh yeah. Grilled sardines tonight, suckahs. (This unit will not ever be deployed on ice.)

Mike went on a long and arduous expedition to the far reaches of some where far away that has far reaches, and discovered all sorts of penguin army activities, including what looks like a street punk penguin army. Hmm...

I did visit the penguins at the Melbourne Zoo over the weekend, and pictures were taken, but I am not yet decided on whether or not I wish to recruit them. One of them in particular was giving off a very strong Jabba the Hut vibe.

ETA: Jeff just can't help himself.

He's trying to use my own penguin against me. Ha! We laugh at this aborted attempt at the perversion of the truth.

ETA: Gillian found an infiltration of penguins at the Canberra Show, which I must publicly claim ignorance on, while waggling my eyebrows in a knowing manner.

And check this out: the biggest creche in the world, and it's all penguins, millions and millions of penguins, making abstract art of the landscape.

ETA: Keyan Bowes (photo cred: Jerzy Strzelecki) sent us a nice piece of recon.

Yeah. Jeff is royally screwed.

Further penguin developments received their own posts;

And then there was the infiltration of the VanderMeer household by cunning and stealthy operatives.

They're staring each other down...Mr P is so stealthy he has no eyelids with which to blink.


  1. Anonymous30/1/08 22:55

    *has neither pen nor drawing ability*

    Despite that, this penguin dude just _has_ to be part of someone's army, so it might just as well be yours:


    Aanimal, YOU DA BOMB!

  3. I has posted angry penguin for you!

  4. The Penguin wars, They have Become.

  5. Anonymous31/1/08 10:23

    And the LOLcats macro sinks even further ;)

    I suppose mr. CIA won't be bored with your blog. Maybe you just have a fan who is stuck behind a desk who just answers calls all day....

  6. Anonymous31/1/08 10:29

    For I, too, suck at the drawing:

  7. Anonymous31/1/08 18:19

    You wantum? You Gottum...with Big Brass Ones...


    I hope this works cause I can't code html fer crap...

  8. Anonymous31/1/08 18:23

    Try this gain....

    Also posted it on my LJ

  9. Anonymous31/1/08 18:26

    ...and THIS Army...

    Pardon my blog-fu is weak...but you wanted an army...

  10. Anonymous1/2/08 01:06

    Check yur e-mail, and angry penguin from south Georgia, USA is on his way!

  11. I am a friend of Nadine's and I fully support your penguin army. However, I should note that someone has started a penguin mutant soldier program. You may want to hunt them down.

    Photographic Evidence:

  12. Anonymous1/2/08 02:11

    Penguins ahoy...

    They're gonna get you! ; )


  13. Anonymous2/2/08 05:57

    Mine's lame, but here it is.

  14. Anonymous3/2/08 08:26

    I defy you and your suggestions of computer aided penguins (still can't draw, even aided) so I give you the ultimate in Angry Penguins for your army without so much as opening a Paint program:

    If thought-penguins and real (dead) angry penguins aren't enough for your army, I'll sic Ern O'Malley onto you. He'll destroy your penguin army with poetry.

  15. *grins, slightly embarrassedly*

    Eva is me... evidently, I forgot to sign that e-mail. Must have been late at night...

  16. Anonymous5/2/08 00:25

    Good grief.

    They just keep on coming...

    : D


  17. hey hey...i wanna join the penguin army too how do i send you my picture (i,m new to all of this
    xox eve xox

  18. Hey there, SS, welcome aboard! As you can probably tell, I'm not particularly fussy about what penguins are submitted, but I do like bad hand drawn ones. You can either upload an image online and link it here, or send it to me at sirtessa AT optusnet DOT com DOT au