Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Asterix Conquers America

"Ah yes, I remember. The cure for amnesia is 30 pounds of pork taken orally."

There isn't any nice way to say it: this move sucks balls. Not in a good way.

It is very loosely based off Asterix and the Great Crossing, which in itself is not one of the better comics, if only because of the total lack of any conflict. Asterix and Obelix go fishing, a storm washes them up on the shores of the North American continent, they make friends with the natives, go home, the end.

The movie spruces it up a little bit, by having them chasing after a roman ship that has kidnapped their druid Getafix, with the intention of catapaulting him off the edge of the world. Good thing the world is round.

This was just embarrassing to watch.

It began as soon as the voices kicked in. The gauls, despite living in France, had pommy cockney accents, and while I don't mind the romans being ridiculously over the top italian, it was a bit painful to watch. Obelix did not sound like a big man - it goes on, and on.

They run into trouble with the natives when they inadvertently piss off the tribe's Medicine Man. He has his revenge by offering them the peace pipe. The dangerous music SWELLS most THREATENINGLY as they're chuffing away, and I don't think I've been preached at so badly in a long time.

And then, my god, the songs. Yes, there was singing, preaching singing about oooooooooohwaaaaaaoooh, we are one people, and we like you, we are one tribe. I shit you not. Both Hamish and I hid our faces with this number came up.

This isn't to say the film doesn't have its moments, but they are such brief moments, flashes which are quickly forgotten in whatever embarassing thing happens next.

Gaul: Halt! Who goes there?
Julius Caesar: A barrel, you fool!

I'll keep it, and I daresay, when I have another Asterix binge, I'll watch it again, but ugh. Stick to the other movies. Please.

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