BEHOLD! MY DOMINANT CHEEK PADS!

I have assembled this diabolical Ikea product entirely on my own. And I was wearing a "That's right. I'm a gay robot." t-shirt at the time.

What does that make me?

TOTALLY FUCKING OARSUM. I'm a damn superhero furniture god! Constructorsaurus is channeling my SUPREME MAD SKILLZ fu! You marvel at me! MARVEL. Worship unto me as though I were a god! BOOYAH MUTHAFUCKA.

I can't actually stand it up, because despite my cunning devilry superfly Constructorsaurus powers, I'm still trapped in this measly little data entry operator body, and this meatbag has no upper body strength. It's taking up the whole lounge room floor.

And I kinda hurt now.

It would have been a hell of a lot faster just to ask for help, but, you know, the instruction manual issued a challenge, and apparently I have things to prove. Such as my ability to conquer furniture.

For those who may, for some reason, wish to emulate my oarsumness in this matter, the trick is to use your feet. Your heels are the best hammers you have.

Empress Tess, Conqueror of Ikea and All-round Badass Ninja is going to reward herself with food now. Before she falls over.