BEHOLD! MY DOMINANT CHEEK PADS!

I have assembled this diabolical Ikea product entirely on my own. And I was wearing a "That's right. I'm a gay robot." t-shirt at the time.

What does that make me?

TOTALLY FUCKING OARSUM. I'm a damn superhero furniture god! Constructorsaurus is channeling my SUPREME MAD SKILLZ fu! You marvel at me! MARVEL. Worship unto me as though I were a god! BOOYAH MUTHAFUCKA.

I can't actually stand it up, because despite my cunning devilry superfly Constructorsaurus powers, I'm still trapped in this measly little data entry operator body, and this meatbag has no upper body strength. It's taking up the whole lounge room floor.

And I kinda hurt now.

It would have been a hell of a lot faster just to ask for help, but, you know, the instruction manual issued a challenge, and apparently I have things to prove. Such as my ability to conquer furniture.

For those who may, for some reason, wish to emulate my oarsumness in this matter, the trick is to use your feet. Your heels are the best hammers you have.

Empress Tess, Conqueror of Ikea and All-round Badass Ninja is going to reward herself with food now. Before she falls over.

Advice For Writers*

When you buy furniture from Ikea, and all the pieces required for assembly come in three separate boxes, none of which you're strong enough to lift, this means you should not invoke Constructorsaurus on your own.

When you buy furniture from Ikea, and all the pieces required for assembly come in three separate boxes, none of which you're strong enough to lift, and the instructions specifically state that two people are required to put the item together, this means you should not invoke Constructorsaurus on your own.

When you buy furniture from Ikea, and all the pieces required for assembly come in three separate boxes, none of which you're strong enough to lift, the instructions specifically state that two people are required to put the item together, and indeed you are alone, this means you should not invoke Constructorsaurus on your own.

When you buy furniture from Ikea, and all the pieces required for assembly come in three separate boxes, none of which you're strong enough to lift, the instructions specifically state that two people are required to put the item together, indeed you are alone, and you're tired and brooding, this means you should not invoke Constructorsaurus on your own.

When you buy furniture from Ikea, and all the pieces required for assembly come in three separate boxes, none of which you're strong enough to lift, the instructions specifically state that two people are required to put the item together, indeed you are alone, you're tired and brooding, and you're drunk, this means you should not invoke Constructorsaurus on your own.

No, really.

Also the hammering pisses the neighbours off.

Still, partly assembled shelves make good cubby houses.



I expect I'll have to invoke Constructorsaurus for weeks to get this finished.

To add insult to injury, when pouring myself a drink, I ran out of mixer. First run out of drink, now out of mixer. Venture out to buy more? In this cold, wet, miserable night? I'm already doing cold and miserable just fine, no need for a hat trick.

I declare today over.

*by 'writers' I do of course mean 'everyone'.