Friday, November 04, 2005

I'd Forgotten That Colour

I had a moment of insecurity the other day. It came poncing up out of nowhere, sat down, made itself real comfortable, and didn't budge. Took me by surprise. Partly due to the extremely non-existent sleep I've been getting, partly due to the monthly rag time, and mostly completely uninvited.

Tiredness makes me crabby. This is generally inflicted upon other people.

Hormones make me glum. This is generally inflicted upon myself.

But insecurity? I can't remember when I last felt insecure. Hopeless, useless, apathetic and full of despair, but not insecure.

I'd forgotten quite how crippling it was. One of my main supports is that I know I'm a strong person, and the price of being strong is to be strong. My two feet are all I stand on and other such prideful sayings. To have that foundation up and disappear left me a bit shaken.

(But of course, the price of being strong is that I can never be weak, not to others nor myself, so I will not call friends at midnight for the sole purpose of reassuring myself that I'm not a waste of meat.)

It left quickly. It had no reason to stay. And it brought to my attention that I'm not an insecure person, not inside or out.

Chalk that up to one of the year's sucesses.

2 comments:

  1. Tessa -

    I am currently at World Fantasy Con in Madison, WI, and I have to tell you that dropping your name has yielded stronger reactions than any others I have mentioned. And good ones at that. I met Trevor who lived across the hall from you at Clarion and Deborah Biancotti and Ellen Datlow who had very nice things to say about you. And of course Jeff V. who wished that he had had more time to talk to you.

    I feel very well connected already.

    Gigi says hello, by the way. Wish you could have made it out here, where I certainly would have been your groupie
    (or however you spell it).

    So you have absolutely no reason to be insecure. At all.

    Hope things are going well.

    Rajan

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  2. :D

    Watch out for Trevor and Deb. They're terrible. Hi to Gigi and all. (Never fear, worldcon next year!)

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