Only Symbolic

That was my last head doctor appointment.

It was a gesture only, in order to make sure all my medication is in order for the journey ahead. (It wasn't, by the way, thanks to my GP screwing up medications a second time. I will not be seeing him again. Thankfully psychiatrist actually knows her stuff.)

It should be a triumph to announce that was your last medical appointment, as usually that indicates you no longer require special care. I have to keep reminding myself that while I am free of all these appointments and receipts and referrals and specialists and tests, I am not free of the problem.

I've been on 150mg daily of Pristiq for nearly two months. As an anti-depressant it isn't too bad, probably comparable in effect to the Cymbalta; still hit some very low notes, but generally able to cope with life. No horrific side-effects, at least no new ones. Sleep appears to have been a bit better than previous.

Pain relief has been notable.

Which pretty much proves the psychiatrist, gp and rheumatologist right. I have fibromyalgia.

Which means walking away from a desk job will not necessarily have any impact on the perpetual discomfort in my body. It means I may just be stuck like this forever.

I'm very tired. I've pulled so much wool over my eyes to trick myself into going on a few more days, just a bit further, I don't know what or why or how the landscape of my mind grows. This grief continues, but I know longer know what it is for.

Go on. Keep going. Just a little further. Every day. For the rest of your life.