what they don't tell you
they don't tell you that when you're unemployed, unwillingly unemployed, you will never have a day off. it isn't one big holiday, as it must seem to those who have jobs. there is never a day in which you are not unemployed. there is never a time, a moment, even in your sleep, when you are not aware of the painful fact that you are a useless waste of air.
they don't tell you how it chaffs and burns and stings your pride to rely on others.
they do tell you it won't be easy, but it will happen, and to just keep your head up. they don't tell you how to go about keeping your head up when you've tried and failed, over and over, a hundred times, for a year.
i'm tired of trying, and i'm tired of failing, and i am hideously aware of everything that i don't have and all the places i'm not going. i haven't given up. there's no point in giving up.
but i don't have to wear a cheerful face. i choke on the mere idea of pretending to be all happy and hopeful. sure. it'll happen. one day. but it hasn't happened yet.
don't worry about me. this is just how i am, how i've always been.